No One's Going to Save You

I'm going to say something that I think is the "pink elephant in the room" of therapy and healing: no one is going to save you.

I'm sure some people are feeling some kind of way that I said that. But allow me to explain...

Last fall, I was experiencing some scheduling snafus: social events were plenty, work was picking up steam, and my kids' schedules were (as usual) bustling.

I was lamenting to my business coach (the amazing Erica Murphy) that I was feeling overwhelmed by my schedule. My calendar was getting filled up and my beloved movement sessions were getting squeezed out. She gave me the advice to block out my own free time first.*

I'm not going to lie, my first reaction was defensive. No! I couldn't possibly do that!... could I?

I sat with this advice for a week, digesting it.

And a simple phrase popped into my head: "no one is going to save you".

Yeesh, Universe. But I realized it was true. I was waiting for some being to come in and fix my schedule for me. The thing about that being is that they don't exist.

There is no one whose job it is to fix your schedule, fix your life, fix your relationship, fix the way you talk to yourself, or fix your career but you.

Sure, we can resource ourselves to the best of our ability (therapy, coaching, supervision, spiritual guidance, workbooks, books, podcasts, subreddits, Tiktoks, etc.). But at the end of the day, you have to do it. You have to make the choice. You have to take the action.

You have to be the one to block off your schedule.

You have to be the one to go on the dates (there's a 90% chance you will not meet the love of your life scrolling TikTok at home by yourself).

You have to be the one to start writing that book that's been in your head for years.

You have to be the one to tell your partner it's time to go to couples counseling and priortize your relationship.

I know this seems harsh to hear. A lot of the reasons these things are f*cked up in our life is objectively not our fault. We live in a world that was designed to uphold systemic oppression. We live in a world that profits from us without benefiting us. We live in a country (if you're reading this in the US) where housing, healthcare, and education aren't guaranteed rights.

I know that. Those are the big-picture issues we are up against everyday. We also have the work of reconciling and integrating our traumatic experiences. This takes a lot of energy.

But throwing up your hands and giving the reins to someone else (an imaginary fairy godmother who will fix things for us), isn't going to work.

And in fact, a huge part of not only healing from trauma but also feeling empowered in an oppressive world, is taking the reins back.

I can't control what's going on in the country right now, but I can control my schedule. And I can make sure my schedule has enough down time for me to do the things I need to do to take care of myself (movement, naps, reading, staring at the ceiling, walking my dog, eating lunch and watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills).

Firstly, those things are important because I am a human being. If you are a human being, you are worthy by virtue of simply being here on this Earth. You deserve rest, play, and unstructured free time. Period.

Secondly, we're not burning out anymore. We're simply not. Burning out doesn't do anyone any good, least of all you. Definitely not your loved ones, your partner(s), kids, clients, and coworkers. This world does not need any more burned out b*tches.

The only way to not burn out is to take care of yourself. Whatever that means to you.

I, personally, see my life and its work as part of a web. This web is beautiful, luminous, and strong. It is part of the creation of the next chapter in history, one that is grounded in self-expression, community, and mutual care. The new chapter will not only protect, but advance the rights of women, femmes, and all expressions of gender and sexuality.

"No one's going to save you" was a mantra that helped me shift the power back into my hands. Right where it belongs.

*Some of you reading this have now also been the recipient of this advice from me. Now you know I come by the advice honestly 😂