Girls is one of those shows that holds a very interesting place in my heart: on the one hand, I was roughly the same age as the characters of the show when it came out. I was living in San Francisco- having my own parallel West Coast version of their experiences on the show.
On the other hand, the way that conversation at large has shifted since 2012 doesn't leave Girls in the best light: controversy around Lena Dunham's history of assault and molestation, the ever-present whiteness of the show, and the staff's doubling down on the more problematic aspects. None of these things have aged well and they weren't particularly well received back then.
But even still- there's a sense of almost-nostalgia when watching or listening to folks talk about Girls.
Listening to Girls brought me back to that place mentally- in the way nostalgia is apt to do. But it made me really think about the concept of community and of the worlds we build.
In 2012, I was watching Girls and I was relating to some of it, but I was also thinking "why can't I be as cool and carefree as Jessa? Why can't I go to these super cool parties with Elijah?" and so on.
Even as I related to the frustrating dead-end relationships, the shitty internships, and whatnot - the show still shined like a beacon on the Things I Did Not Have. And one of those things was this Cool Artist Community Doing Cool Artist Things.
Did a community of artists exist in San Francisco from 2011-2013? Probably. So why wasn't I seeking it out? Why wasn't I looking for it?
The answer for me is perfectionism. At that time, I was still such a perfectionist. And nothing mattered more to me than excelling at work. (That makes it sound a lot more Corporate Barbie than it was- excelling at social work meant more martyrdom, less Charlotte Pickles).
This meant I was working a minimum of four jobs in SF at any given time. My days started at 5 am and ended at 9 pm*. I was running up and down the hills of SF all day, everyday: under-eating and over-caffeinating. I was constantly worn down, popping Advil every day because my body had so many random aches and pains.
I don't know how I could have created art let alone "an artist community" with that daily structure.
And to be clear- none of this was apparent to me at the time. It's only visible looking backwards.
I had amazing wonderful friends in San Francisco and I still love them dearly (hi! if you're reading this). But I was never able to build the community up around us that I envisioned.
That community was the sacrificial offering I made on the altar of Career Perfectionism.
And so it makes sense that I had to breakup with San Francisco. Because I couldn't breakup with my own perfectionism. (Now- did moving to Austin fix it? No! but it was a big step).
So that's what I'm taking from this rewatch of Girls: some happiness that I'm no longer in my 20's (sorry y'all) and also some sadness that I threw so much of my self-worth into work at such a young age.
Because it's only with 35 year old eyes that I look back and see how much I missed by racing towards an uncertain future. Not even the potential of What-Could-Have-Been but the magic of What Was.
The magic of waking up in an apartment every day with your best friends, the magic of learning how to navigate the Muni for the first time, and even the magic of a random Tuesday afternoon where no one expects anything from you- not a pet, not a boss, not a kid, nor a partner.
But I'll say this- now that I'm in my 30s, Jessa seems way less "cool" and way more exhausting. I'd still hang with Elijah though. 😎
*Now of course, part of this is because SF is a very expensive city to live in.
**This Girls rewatch was inspired by one of my favorite podcasts Shortcomings. A former SATC rewatch podcast turned Girls rewatch podcast.
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