I’m a therapist for Survivors of Narcissistic Moms

And I thought it was just sex therapy!

At this point, you’ve probably heard about Narcissism as a clinical term, it’s been pretty popular on the Internet for a while.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a spectrum but it essentially describes people with an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a need for praise, and an inability to have empathy for others.

For years, NPD was mostly identified in men. Many people, psychologists and mental health professionals especially, didn’t believe women could have NPD.

Women were seen as too caring, maternal, and empathetic to have NPD.

(And yes, this is blatant misogyny).

But like I said, NPD is a spectrum and not everyone who has traits of NPD shows up the same.

Women can have the traits of NPD and they can show up like the textbook definition or slightly differently. For instance, I’ve noticed Moms with NPD tend to rely on manipulation a lot more than their male counterparts.

I’ve been a trauma therapist for 14 years and I’d say at least 50% of my clients are survivors of narcissistic abuse from their moms, even though that’s not usually what they’re coming in for.

It’s never a formal diagnosis, and more often than not- it’s overlooked: society doesn’t believe that Moms are capable of this, especially behind closed doors.

Often the Moms publicly projected either the “perfect” Stay at Home Mom or the “badass” Businesswoman to everyone else.

As I’ve folded s3x therapy into my practice the last few years, I’ve noticed how deeply intertwined these two things are.

If we don’t have a feeling of safety and belonging from the person who should give it to us the most, then it’s extremely challenging to find it anywhere else…

Especially in highly vulnerable situations like romantic and s3xual relationships.

Our brains, our bodies, and our nervous systems (the map that connects the two) are deeply impacted by maternal narcissistic abuse.

1. Traits of personality disorders tend to be pretty stable over time. These traits probably existed long before you were born and are likely still ongoing (if not getting worse, something I’m noticing as these moms go through the aging process).

2. You were exposed to this narcissistic abuse from birth if not in utero. How could your nervous system not be impacted by that?

3. We learn how to survive narcissistic abuse and our brains can’t just “turn it off” now that you want to be in a loving, caring, mutual relationship.

It’s hard to drop out of “protection mode” when that’s all you’ve ever known.

There’s a different level of pain when the one person who should be nurturing you and loving you unconditionally for who you are is causing you harm.

It’s a deep, deep betrayal that tends to spiral and show up in different ways, anything from:

friends that don’t stick around when you need them

pain with s3x

dating the same Ghost over and over again

perfectionism that leads to burnout & more…

If you are someone who is a survivor of maternal narcissistic abuse, I see you. While I wish we could all do one massive group hug, I want you to know that I see you. I believe you.

Even if you don’t remember the specifics of what happened (and you probably do not), I trust the feelings. I trust what your body is trying to tell us via the stomach problems, the chronically tight hips, or the jaw pain that won’t quit.

I wish I could solve this problem in one cute carousel but I can’t.

If you’re struggling with this, know you’re not alone. Find a therapist you have a great connection with and start today. Take care of yourself.

Find mentors who hold you and support you. Start the slow and painful work of building community if you haven’t already.

You’re not crazy, you never were. We can’t change your mom, but you can heal from this. We’re all here rooting for you. ❤️