Flashback to this summer: I stood in front of my closet and looked for something to wear. My closet had a fair amount of stuff but none of it was right, and I wasn't sure exactly why.
I realize this is an age-old dilemma, the whole "closet full of clothes with nothing to wear" thing. To give you the lay of the land- I share a small closet with my husband, so there really wasn't that much "stuff" in the grand scheme of things.
I perused the items that were in there and realized a few things:
Most of the clothing items were from 2016-2019
Anything more recent was low-quality postpartum wear leftover from my back-to-back pregnancies
Half of the clothing didn't even fit (both too big and too small) .
I was looking at the items from the late 2010's and noticed that they were still technically wearable but I never wanted to wear them. They didn't "spark joy" so to speak...
but I realized it went deeper than that. It wasn't just that they didn't spark joy:
They were remnants of a time when I was dressing to hide.
In the 2010's, unbeknownst to me at the time, I was going deeper and deeper down a path of workplace trauma (due to systemic failures and toxic bosses, not my clients- who've always been the absolute best part of any job I've ever had).
Part of that workplace trauma manifested itself as a need to make myself as small as possible, to literally hide. I wore a lot of grays, neutrals, and "business casual" items, almost as if my clothes were broadcasting: "don't look over here!".
There's nothing inherently wrong with neutrals but my inner self is a drag queen through and through.
So I was looking like this:
When in my heart, I wanted this:
The unbearable call to hide can be a trauma symptom for many people: it's our nervous system's way of keeping us safe. Of camoflauging. It was certainly mine.
Flash forward to 2024:
After years of trauma healing work, I no longer wanted to hide. I didn't want to "blend in" or wear something because someone else told me I had to (side note: in 2018, my job instituted a very strict dress code policy that required women to wear heels to work. Social work is not typically one that "requires" heels.)
I also didn't want to wear my postpartum "who-even-am-I-anymore?" clothes. I'd changed a lot since my days as both an overwhelmed 20-something and an even more overwhelmed new mom.
And I realized something: Adornment should be considered a phase of trauma recovery.
There comes a point in trauma recovery in which you're significantly less scared of being seen, of taking up space, and living life on your own terms. It might not ever fully "go away", but the cost of hiding and being "palatable" begins to outweigh the costs of being your truest, most authentic sparkly self. There comes a point where you want the outside to match the inside (at least most of the time).
Staring at my closet, I thought: "what do I do about this?". I wanted to start all over with a brand new wardrobe but that was neither environmentally ethical nor financially feasible. So here's what I did over the next few months:
donated clothes that were in good shape
trashed clothes that were un-wearable
took everything that was left and dumped it on my bed
shopped my closet! asked myself: "does wearing this make me happy? does wearing this make me feel aligned with my true self? does wearing this give me a little more energy?"
re-organized my closet
shopped mostly secondhand* to fill in any needed items: mostly on ThredUp.com and also at Buffalo Exchange, Goodwill, etc. Also purchased new from retail stores as well (for example, I could not find secondhand jeans that fit, so I went retail there.)
Here you can see some of my summer outfits from my adornment journey this summer.
While I may not be full drag queen, I definitely feel more connected to my colorful, playful side and I think even if Katya wouldn't approve, she'd sure have some great shade to throw my way.
As I write this, the weather has finally cooled down and I realized that there are some cold-weather-gaps in my closet now. Look out for installment #2, the one about winter adornment updates.
*secondhand shopping for me is very values-aligned. I try (and fail) to not buy fast fashion. It's so easy and it's there and it's everywhere and so of course, sometimes I end up buying fast fashion. I love secondhand shopping because of the environmental impact but also because it's a way to get nicer clothes for cheaper than retail. I found an Anthropologie shirt this summer that I'm obsessed with and it was $20. A brand-new Anthropologie shirt could've easily been $100.
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